Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Go Back To Smoking, It's Less Lethal

Many fast food joints have inflicted culinary atrocities upon the American public, but Kentucky Fried Chicken has pushed the envelope- well smashed right through the fucker, actually- with its Double Down chicken sandwich. Who else but the inventors of the " Famous Bowl", in which every item on their menu was shoved into a cardboard trough and covered in gravy, could think replacing the bun in a sandwich with two pieces of fried chicken was a good idea. There is bacon, processed cheese, and some kind of special sauce in between the chicken pieces. The overall impression of the cheese and dressing oozing out between the chicken breasts is that the Double Down is the end product of a chicken necrophiliac fetishist's sodomization of a batch of Extra Crispy.
This is not a review. When I see a disgusting pile of shit, I don't wander over to it and take a bite- I already know it's not good to eat. I'm not a granola cruncher on some anti- meat rant, either. This sandwich has pushed fast food past the limits of decadence. It is obscene. It is base. It is something from a Lovecraft novel- the geometry is alien and the angles are wrong. If the Old Ones got together for a picnic, they would serve sandwiches like this.
What is really disturbing is that while the Double Down is being sold as a gimmick in upscale suburbs and college towns for a limited time, it is likely to join the McRib and Chicken Fries as a staple fast food item in poorer urban and rural areas around the country. The final, grotesque irony is that while capitalism deprives millions of poor children around the world of a subsistence diet its adherents in the American food industry make the most unhealthy, least nutritious food known in history more affordable than anything else to eat.


Dresden Scott said...

Ugh, I can't get the taste of that out of my eyes.

Back in the 1800s, Marx and Engels discussed the role of "adulterated bread" in the bakeries. Apparently the "affordable" bakers were putting crap in their bread to cut costs. What kind of crap? "Alum, soap, pearl-ash, chalk, Derbyshire stone-dust, and other similar agreeable, nourishing, and wholesome ingredients." (I love our rich tradition of disgusted sarcasm.)

The bastards just found ways to make cheap shit more palatable. Mostly via "flavor factories" in New Jersey....

Anonymous said...

You hippies! Our benevolent food manufacturers clearly show in their demonstration on T.V. that those who eat other sandwiches are left hungry with puny, chipmunk voices. The double down sandwich gives us back our manhood.